Life Unscripted with Kevin Shook
Welcome to 'Life Unscripted with Kevin Shook', a heartening podcast where embracing vulnerability is the key to success. Join your host, Kevin, as he dives into the stories of remarkable individuals who have transformed their lives by opening up, facing challenges, and finding strength in their most vulnerable moments. Each episode features inspiring conversations with guests from various walks of life. Kevin's journey of embracing vulnerability has led him to meet amazing people, and now he brings their wisdom, laughter, and insights to you. Tune in and discover how embracing your vulnerabilities can lead to your greatest victories in life, both personally & professionally.
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Life Unscripted with Kevin Shook
Breaking Chains: Jordyn Hoskins Talks Drug Addiction, Recovery, and Redemption on Life Unscripted with Kevin Shook
For Jordyn Hoskins, growing up in Hagerstown, Indiana was an exhilarating adventure, one that our guest navigated with her twin sister through the dynamic world of gymnastics. Their athletic career, which included state championship accolades and performances to the electrifying tunes of ACDC, was unexpectedly cut short by a severe injury. This setback ushered in a period of rebellion and behavioral challenges, but it also set the stage for a riveting journey filled with resilience and self-discovery. Kevin Shook invites listeners to explore the intimate connections and local landmarks that defined these formative years, painting a vivid picture of a life marked by triumph and turmoil alike.
Jordyn's story takes a compelling turn as she shares the unique challenges and joys of balancing life and professional duties, including the memorable experience of being pregnant during a college practicum at Richmond State Hospital. Through humorous tales of Jordyn working at Kmart and Kevin orchestrating a fake Target opening, the episode captures the essence of resilience amidst life's confounding twists. As the conversation shifts to more serious topics, the spotlight shines on the profound trials of drug addiction and recovery, delving into the battles with prescription pain medication and the broader implications of these struggles within the healthcare system.
The narrative crescendos with a powerful account of trauma, perseverance, and ultimately, transformation. After facing a near-fatal overdose and a harrowing personal crisis, Jordyn embarked on a journey of spiritual awakening and personal growth. They candidly discuss the hereditary nature of addiction, the stigma it carries, and the vital importance of vulnerability in the healing process. Through embracing authenticity, she found a renewed purpose in life, reclaiming her career in social work and regaining custody of her daughter. This episode of Life Unscripted is a testament to the indomitable human spirit and the possibility of redemption amidst adversity.
Life Inscripted with Kevin Shook.
Speaker 2:Boom, how's your sound?
Speaker 1:Testing.
Speaker 2:Ah, yeah, you're a snorter. Yeah, that's awesome. That'll be the beginning of the podcast.
Speaker 1:Love that.
Speaker 2:This is neat Soordan thank you, thank you for having me, so you've never done this before.
Speaker 1:No, nothing like it really really you've been missing out yeah it's fun.
Speaker 2:This is like the whole internet podcasting, everything it's fun, it's a lot of fun, and I've had like multiple different guests. I think I sent you my last one, did you? Did you watch any of that or or look them up?
Speaker 2:no, I didn't get a couple it literally was um, brenda sent the wrong person a text message and um, it was a group text and it had the wrong number on it and that number used to be a friend's number or something and it was like a bible verse, philippians or something I forget what it was, but it was kind obviously. And um, but it was the wrong number. But he was like amen. And then uh, but he was like I think you got the wrong number, though, and they started. He was like can I talk? Can we kind of talk to you? And yeah, they end up getting together. They were in different states and, uh, got married and they have six kids. There's eight of them total.
Speaker 1:That's a god thing. Yeah, I thought you'd like that because of your whole journey.
Speaker 2:But they um I met them at a real estate listing in ohio and um because I do a lot of real estate photos and there was like kids everywhere but they were like nice, they weren't little dickheads like a lot of kids are. Yeah, they were like super cool and they weren't in the way or nothing. Yeah, um, but they just moved over to western wayne county nice so I got to know them pretty well.
Speaker 2:Um, she plus I think it's she plus five on instagram, but that was obviously a long time ago because they had like two more yeah three or one more it reminds me of kate plus eight yeah do you remember that show? Yeah, yeah, but that was a little like wild though right, their kids were hellions it was kind of like real world meets or uh, octagon yes, so tell me about yourself well, there's a lot tell me about um growing up. Are you from here?
Speaker 1:I'm from around here, so I grew up in hagerstown, indiana. Okay, um lived there my whole life. Um, I did gymnastics growing up and I'm a state champion in that, and that's all I really did when I was little was gymnastics, gymnastics gymnastics.
Speaker 2:That's like some hardcore stuff.
Speaker 1:We took it serious, me and my twin sister, my oldest sister, devon. She did it for a little bit but it just wasn't for her.
Speaker 2:So me and my twin just really so like how far did you make it? Is there like state or yeah.
Speaker 1:So, um, there's levels to it. There's. Well now, it's different from when, back in the day when I did it. There's levels to it. Well now, it's different from back in the day when I did it. There's level four, level five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, and then you can go collegiate or elite.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I didn't make it that far I wish, but I won level four state and level seven state all around. I was pretty good. I'm not going to lie when people see me and my twin. They knew what was up. Dang my floor music was Back in Black by ACDC. Okay, if that tells you anything, A lot of the other girls had like real flowy gentle, yes, beethoven. My twin had Metallica, so we were just complete opposites of everybody. It was pretty cool.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, we had everyone's attention. I feel like you should have wrestled instead, probably.
Speaker 1:Back and back, but we were good. Then we made history in our high school. It was me, my twin Caitlin Catania and Chelsea Scott. Then we made history in our high school. It was me, my twin Caitlin Catania and Chelsea Scott. We were the first team to go to state to make it to state out of any sport from Hagerstown. So that was pretty cool.
Speaker 2:What year did you graduate?
Speaker 1:2012.
Speaker 2:Oh snap.
Speaker 1:You're young, 30. I'm old how old are old, are you? 39 that's not old, but um.
Speaker 2:Thanks, but um. I had a friend uh, ryan ludwig.
Speaker 1:I don't know, yeah, yes, yeah, that's my dude. Nice, he's still over in this area.
Speaker 2:Yeah I see him all the time like selling golf carts on facebook. Wow, what? What are you doing? What?
Speaker 1:are you doing, bro? Hager sounds a small area, so everybody knows everybody yeah, yeah, there's.
Speaker 2:Uh, is that little chocolate place over there?
Speaker 1:habits candy, oh yes, yeah wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 2:So after, uh, after high school, like, did you go to college or what did you do?
Speaker 1:yes, so um, well, uh, to finish up the high school, like, did you go to college or what did you do? Yes, so well, to finish up the high school thing, I broke my back, fractured it in gymnastics. My grip broke during a gymnastics meet, a high school gymnastics meet, and I wasn't able to do gymnastics anymore. That was my junior year and that kind of ended gymnastics for me. Which kind of sucked my junior year. And that kind of ended gymnastics for me. Which kind of sucked Um. So, yeah, I started having like behavior problems and cause I lost the only type of like stability that I knew and structure and, um, I rebelled. I guess I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I did not have a good attitude.
Speaker 1:I was not. I turned in. I wasn't a nice person, which I'm not proud of.
Speaker 2:So yeah, Was this like your senior year? Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1:Horrible attitude, yeah, not proud of that and then.
Speaker 2:I can't see that, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was Very different person. I can't see that in you. Yeah, I was Very different person. Then I went to college at IU East, and my first year I was going to go for nursing. But I was doing that more for my mom to like, please her, and I did not really care about nursing, Like I did not want to do that, but I did know that I wanted to help people and I was.
Speaker 1:I've always been interested in addiction and what causes someone to like change every like everything about themselves to one specific substance or alcohol, and so that's what I chose uh, specific substance or alcohol, and so that's what I chose was social work and get certified in drug and alcohol abuse counseling.
Speaker 2:so that's what I did and I applied for the social work program and I got accepted and yeah, so you did all this out of high school what all all of became a social worker because I mean, I I know a little bit, but you're gonna share that story, but so you're already all of that before my accident, yeah, god, yes, god had a bigger purpose.
Speaker 1:Wow my story. Yes that's crazy, yeah yeah, I did my practicum at richmond state hospital. That was pretty cool. What?
Speaker 2:do you think about that?
Speaker 1:it was. It was different um that's the nicest thing I was pregnant, oh really my senior year in college and that's the year I had to complete my practicum hours and it was just a very you know, it's a sad place anyways right but um being pregnant. On top of that and emotional, it was hard but yeah it was. It was a great learning experience so what were you?
Speaker 2:were you at meridian's addiction unit, or were you um doing stuff?
Speaker 1:I was in the other units.
Speaker 2:I was in like in there, in there, okay, the inpatient stuff.
Speaker 1:So 400 buildings and then I thought, well, well, one thing that I did with a unit I think it was 420b I painted a tree with him because the walls were just so bare and white.
Speaker 2:It looks like a jail in there.
Speaker 1:So I was. We were in a meeting and I was like, could we like bring some life into here and maybe you guys just need new ideas Like fresh, I'm fresh eyes in here. And, um, the director what was his name, I can't remember, but he approved it and I was able to do a big tree with the patients on 420b and everyone got a, a branch and a leaf that they were able to do, which was really cool how long ago was that?
Speaker 2:that was 2017 oh huh, I wonder because, let's see, so our paramedic didn't verify the thing from 16 to 22 down here, so I wonder if I've seen it, because we were there all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's in the day what they call the day room 420b yeah, we went out there a lot really yeah, it always felt bad too because, um, I could really connect with the patients really well and, like, most of the time, the problem was the staff. Right, right, it wouldn't be so crazy if you weren't crazy, yeah so that's what makes it hard uh there, and you gotta kind of bite your tongue too yes, yeah, you know um, we went in there a lot for like seizures and it wasn't because they were talking, so it was kind of like huh right what's going on?
Speaker 2:yeah they're just trying to get rid of their patient. Patient load their senses Right, right, so 17. 2017. What else? What else was it that year?
Speaker 1:So that was a busy year. I was pregnant, I was trying to complete my practicum hours at Richmond State Hospital. I was working at Kmart Kmart was still a thing. Yes, yeah, we need to bring that back, I know. Oh, I miss it. Wait a minute. Took him hours at richmond state hospital I was working at kmart.
Speaker 2:Kmart was still a thing. Yes, yeah, we need to bring that back. I know?
Speaker 1:oh, I miss it wait a minute.
Speaker 2:Okay, if you could pick kmart or target, what would you pick?
Speaker 1:kmart all the way. Really I'm not a tarjay kind of gal you're not, bougie, are you? No, that's cool, no, kmart, oh yeah you oh, bad prank.
Speaker 2:I did a bad prank while back and I made target logo signs and put them in a big lot. I don't know west 40. Just I was doing like this social experiment to see how many people on facebook would pick up on this. But uh, my friend at the time bought that, all that land right there, yeah, and a lot of people were like talking, you know, know. So, I printed the Target logo and stuck it in my yacht.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I bet people were freaking out.
Speaker 2:People were crazy. But you know what, if Target was here, they wouldn't be crazy after a while.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2:You always want what you can't have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true, that is very, very true yeah.
Speaker 2:But Kmart, they had good deals. Yeah, kmart, they had good deals.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like always had good deals.
Speaker 2:Couldn't you used to get like a slushie and a hot dog?
Speaker 1:Yeah, they had that little food court that was the best, but I worked back in the lawn and garden and I liked it back there because I didn't get bothered.
Speaker 2:I'm a hard worker so I kept myself busy, and yeah it was nice.
Speaker 1:Did you ever call?
Speaker 2:in? No, not really. So you're like a good employee.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um. Then it went from that working there to I worked for street department for Hagerstown, um, which I did that on and off throughout summers, a summer help, um. So I just went and did that for a little bit for like leaf pickup during the fall and stuff. But my main focus was school and graduating that year and I had my daughter in April and a couple months after that I graduated, so she was able to be at my college graduation. She was two months old then and just two weeks after my college graduation is when my accident happened, and so I just had my daughter and I just graduated college and then my whole life just do you want to share those details or no?
Speaker 2:well yeah, okay it's. It's all I know.
Speaker 1:That's what I'm my uh journey is meant to be shared and hopefully to be an inspiration to people to never give up and to keep pushing. Keep keep doing what you need to do, no matter what anybody says. Um, like I said before, I always kind of struggled with behavioral problems, um, and alcohol was one of those things that I used to cope with. And um, like I said, I just had my daughter, so I hadn't had any alcohol or anything. So the first night I was away from my daughter I went to a tractor pull. My mom watched her for me and I remember I did not want to go and I just had like a really weird feeling about it, but I went anyway.
Speaker 2:And I think I got drunk off of like three beers. Tolerance was low.
Speaker 1:Yes, and the aggression started coming out. I don't know, alcohol always did that for me.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You were angry, drunk.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I guess I was a lover. I was unhappy in general and I think the alcohol just really really showed that Intensifies it. Yeah, I was just not happy internally.
Speaker 2:And was that because of everything that stemmed from your back injury in gymnastics?
Speaker 1:No, just everything throughout childhood. I mean, that's a whole different topic subject gotcha a lot of things that were just kept to myself, and you know, like everyone has their family things that they just try to not talk about. But that's not what I'm about anymore, so I mean that's why I'm a different person now.
Speaker 2:You have to look at the hard stuff. Yeah, you have to face it, but why I'm a different?
Speaker 1:person.
Speaker 2:now you have to look at the hard stuff. Yeah, you have to face it.
Speaker 1:Right. But yeah, it's a different for a different day. But that night I got very drunk and there was a girl saying something to my sister. And I don't play when it comes to my sisters. I would do anything for them and I guess act play. When it comes to my sisters, I would do anything for them and I guess act a fool too. So I try to jump in a bed of a truck to get to a girl to fight her Because, like I said, I used to be very aggressive, mean and happy and that was my goal inside my head.
Speaker 1:I was going to jump in the bed of that truck to fight this girl and my foot slipped on the tire, and the tire it was a dually truck, so there's two tires on the back and both of them went over my whole stomach and I don't remember anything after that. But my twin sister was arrested that night and was charged with battery because a fight did end up happening, which I do not condone. That's one of the things that my mom always taught us was you fight to handle problems that's.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm complete opposite of. Now there's a line between self-defense and right attacking people just being a psycho right okay, yeah and uh, that's.
Speaker 1:I never want my daughter to do that. I want her to use her words and be able to have a conversation if she's feeling some type of way, you know. So as I'm laying there, the truck ran over me and I take full accountability for that. That was my fault. I feel like that's a lot of things, that one thing that people don't have a full understanding of. A lot of people talk about what happened that night but they don't fully know the whole length of it and my actions in it. It was nobody else's fault but mine and the person driving had nothing to do with it and it was not his fault by any means.
Speaker 1:And, um, I guess I was unconscious and I tried to stand up and I fell back down to my knees and that's I mean. Obviously, the paramedics came over and rushed me to the airplane a helicopter whatever there in Connersville and rushed me to the airplane, a helicopter, whatever they were in Connersville, and got me to. Um, it wasn't IU, it was the other one, methodist, that they took me to first. And, um, I was internally bleeding. All my organs were crushed, all of them. Um, I was swelling like bloating and they had my stomach open like with ice on my organs.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:And on my, I mean my stomach was cut wide open and Methodists said there was nothing that they could do for me. Like I was going to go, like I was sent for, Right, I mean, it sounds like it yeah.
Speaker 1:And I guess my mom grabbed the surgeon's hand and was like no, you don't understand my daughter. She's a fighter, she literally Kimple. I know you probably think this is not true by your book education, but she's like. I know my probably think this is not true by your book education, but she was like. I know my daughter's spirit, my daughter's soul, she can get through this. He was like there's this one guy I can call. His name was Dr Mangus and he was actually out of town and he was like he's the number one liver surgeon or whatever that he specialized in. But, like I said, he was out of town. He was like I can give him a call to see if he can get here. And lo and behold, he did and Dr Mangus got to me within five hours and started emergency surgery. And started emergency surgery and he was able to save part of my liver. I had three-fourths of it, so that what do you call that? It rejuvenated on its own. So now it's fully a full liver again, which?
Speaker 2:is so weird how organs work. It's a miracle. Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes and um uh. They had to take part of my intestines out and I had an ostomy bag, which was the worst experience of my life.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, gross.
Speaker 1:Talk about as a female, and I was 23 at the time Just all confidence was out the window, like everything, um. So, yeah, I had an ostomy bag, um, what else? Ton of surgeries after that that Dr Mangus did Uh, I don't have a belly button now, it's of cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, I had a wound back on that for the longest time um, because, like I said, my whole stomach was cut wide open.
Speaker 1:So I have a big scar from my whole stomach up and down and, uh, my belly button was causing it to like it was not healing at all. So even the wound back wouldn't help it, so they just took it off and finally it just closed up.
Speaker 2:So there's always an innie and an outie, but you're right in the middle, yeah.
Speaker 1:But the way they did it it kind of looks like an indent, so it kind of looks like a belly button, but it's not Okay.
Speaker 2:I get a little tattoo.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. Do you have tattoos? Yeah, I have a lot of tattoos, but, um, yeah, so during this process I was in icu, for I don ICU. For how long was that? Two weeks. I was in induced coma during all those surgeries. I don't remember. I don't know the details. My mom could tell you all about that my sister's good, but I've never really asked questions about it. I don't want to know about it. It was such a dark time, but I've never really asked questions about it. I don't want to know about it.
Speaker 2:It's such a dark time. You should have been dead.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like a lot of people, and I'm just speaking out of experience- I should not be here. I've seen a lot less not make it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I should not be here. Right, it's cool, you are, yeah, and well, they said what saved my life was just having my daughter, because all my organs were still up from having her, and if they were settled like any other regular person's organs, there's no way. Yeah, I would have been gone for sure. But she is what saved my life.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that.
Speaker 1:Oh, she's my angel. Angel, that's what I call her. That's crazy yeah, so um how old is she? She's seven now. She was two months old when the accident happened does she understand?
Speaker 2:like a lot of that, or probably not.
Speaker 1:We talk about it, but I she doesn't know details. She knows that mommy um was ran over by a truck, um, but that's all she really needs to know and that god has me here wait till she's like for a reason 20 something and then be like so, because I was pregnant with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that's how you saved my life.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes um, but yeah, she is why I'm here, which is a beautiful thing, that's cool.
Speaker 1:But when I finally woke up from induced coma, I don't know why, but in my head I thought I just had a little boy. I thought that's why I was in the hospital. I don't know if my mind was still, since Hudson was so new to me you know, she was only two months old. Since Hudson was so new to me, she was only two months old maybe that was flashing back in my head of giving birth to her. But no, you were just ran over by a truck.
Speaker 2:It all blended together. That's sedation right there.
Speaker 1:So then I was like I couldn't talk because the tube that was down my throat for so long I couldn't get any words out and I was so weak from not using any of my muscles that I couldn't even write what I wanted to say. But I remember in my head I was saying where's my little boy?
Speaker 2:Where's?
Speaker 1:the boy, but like I had a girl, I don't know. It was very odd, but I wanted to know where that baby was. And, um, I seen my dad and my daughter's father for the first time, like, and I thought it was the next day after the accident, so it would have been Sunday, which was going to be that father's day. So, mind you, two and a half weeks have went by, three weeks, and the first thing I said to them was happy father's day. And I remember them crying and I'm like, why are they crying? But it's three weeks later, like, but in my head it was that next day, wow, yeah. So I was saying happy father's day, like whispering it, trying to say it, but, um, yeah, a lot of surgeries, a lot of pain medicine, a lot of pain medicine. Um, I guess they told my family dr mangus was like addictions gonna be there, like let's not forget that it's like it's gonna be there.
Speaker 2:It happened.
Speaker 1:They just said he was very didn't say it's like it's going to be there.
Speaker 2:Could happen.
Speaker 1:They just said it's going to happen. No, he was very blunt about it, it's going to happen. It wasn't talked about to me, which I wish it would have been. I was on such high doses of, I mean, the strongest stuff that you could get Fentanyl morphine.
Speaker 1:I mean you think of it the strong stuff they were giving it to me and a lot of it. Um cause you have to think on all the pain that I was. I was in Um and even getting out of the hospital I was on fentanyl patches and um oxys 30 milligrams. All of this at the same time. Diazepam, just.
Speaker 2:I was very that would kill the normal day person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all of that, yes and I remember I had a little button that they had on my bed and I remember it was green and if this tells you anything, just a week of them giving that to me, I couldn't say anything really to anybody else, but in my head I knew I wanted to hit that button cause I wanted to feel better. So a week into it I was having those like addictive thoughts, not even being able to walk yet or really knowing the the full thing. That just happened.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying yeah, the pain's so bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I feel like any human in your situation would have done the same thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and, mind you, I just graduated with my social work degree bachelor's and certified in drug and alcohol abuse counseling Social work degree bachelor's and certified in drug and alcohol abuse counseling. So that's like, like I said before, I was obsessed with, I wanted to know more about addiction because my nanny, who's now passed, and my aunt has always struggled with addiction and I never understood what held them on to it, like what I don't understand the tie. It's hereditary.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I see that now it's hereditary as fuck them on to it like what? I don't understand the tie. It's a ratatari. Yeah, I can tell you that it's a ratatari.
Speaker 1:yes, right yes, because I always said it'll never be me, it'll never be me and it was.
Speaker 2:It can be anybody, it does not discriminate no, and a lot of times it's people you don't even like there's.
Speaker 1:You know, I have friends that struggle in the dark yeah, and there's a lot of people that are because they don't want to say anything, because the stigma, the stigma and your social media.
Speaker 2:What's everybody put on social media? All the happy moments, all the happy times and the families and all that stuff. So people are afraid to do what you're doing open up and say life's not fucking perfect. No and um sorry, I just I get on rants, but I completely agree, though, because that's what even in my bio.
Speaker 1:It's not there anymore, but I had recovering addict because I I noticed that everyone's posting the good stuff in their lives. Where's the realness at? It's not. It's not. You don't see it a lot on social media. That's what I, that's what I live in truth and that's what my life is not pretty that's like.
Speaker 2:That's why I started life unscripted. Because, yes, life's so like crazy that the the power of vulnerability yes like I, I thrive on vulnerability. Same people are boring to me. If you don't have I I know everyone's not perfect but, like.
Speaker 1:I love authenticity and I love um truth from people. If not, I find you very boring. You know what I'm saying like what is your soul telling you?
Speaker 2:well, you're right. Well, it's it. It goes to eight mile. The last rap battle when, eminem, do you remember?
Speaker 1:that part where he's like.
Speaker 2:So what? I live in a trailer, so what?
Speaker 1:yes, all this stuff.
Speaker 2:I love that so I catch myself in like business meetings where, um, you know, people are talking about stuff like chamber memberships and and I'm with people like I barely know they're at a business level and I'm like I got kicked out of that motherfucker Right Because of my drinking in my mouth and what's cool, when you do open up like you open up, you're going to scare away the right people. I know, do you see how I said that though You're going to scare away the right people? Yes, but you do. You see how I said that though You're going to scare away the right people, but you're going to attract the right people.
Speaker 1:And that's what I'm all about. I know that 100%, though the ones that are for me and that are meant to hear what I'm supposed to say, they'll come.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the ones that aren't?
Speaker 1:they can go. That's fine. I'm not for everybody, and that's okay. That's this.
Speaker 2:And that's okay, that's this, and that's on a personal level, that's on a business level, because I've lost a lot of business but I gained a lot of it. I lost the right business, I gained the right business. Yes, as soon as you make that transition and are completely transparent, you meet the right people in life, like wholeheartedly.
Speaker 1:I completely agree.
Speaker 2:And it's wild because you said on your bio you put recovering addict. And I always say you know, because I'm like 600-something days sober.
Speaker 1:Congrats, that's awesome.
Speaker 2:We're always recovering. We're never recovered. As soon as we put ourselves at that finish line, we're going to lapse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's day by day Literally.
Speaker 2:So what's it like? All right, so you know I get on Bumble every once in a while on the dating app.
Speaker 1:Oh really, wow. What a shame Everyone it's tech. What a shame, because there ain't places to go right.
Speaker 2:If I go to church to meet somebody like I can't even say, I can't even talk, half of my vocab is not appropriate.
Speaker 1:I completely get it anyways.
Speaker 2:But then they got them check marks like sober or don't drink, and it's like well, if you put sober, somebody gonna be like red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag. Do you ever get that when you meet somebody new, like how do I explain this to?
Speaker 1:no, that's how I.
Speaker 2:I just live in my truth so you're already like I don't give a fuck what I don't give a shit what anyone thinks to be honest okay, I got this off the rails, but all right. So going back um, you're hitting that button a little too much. Yes, because obviously you're experiencing addiction right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean, that's only a weekend.
Speaker 2:It was kind of forced onto you.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I remember I went off on a nurse because she wouldn't give me. You know, you have to wait that time frame.
Speaker 2:It's like 10 minutes.
Speaker 1:Yes, I think it was 10 minutes, but in my head I was clicking it either way so in my head I was getting that medicine oh, the placebo yes, that's what's sad thinking about you, yeah, but um, even like the medicine that they had to put in my ivy, um, I threw a fit because she was like it's not been four hours, I can't give it to you yet.
Speaker 1:And I mean addiction showed in itself right there. I was like I'm hurting, like give me. I started crying and I was like you're horrible at your job and I feel so bad. I wish I want to go back there and apologize to that girl, because she's one of the best there and that's why I was back. She was good at what she's doing.
Speaker 1:No, she wasn't gonna just hand me that medicine right but, um, yeah, I got mad because I wanted more and um, I mean even getting out of the hospital, um, it was oxys, um hydrocodones, and I remember you know, I'm still trying to I had to relearn how to walk, how to talk, everything before I was able to leave the hospital, so I had, you know, therapy that I had to do for all that, and on top of that, I'm a first-time mom, so I'm trying to heal my stomach's cut wide open. I have an ostomy bag. I walked like the hunchback of norderdame and um I my voice was so soft because the tube that was in my throat and trying to be a good mom, all on top of um hiding an addiction.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And one day it would be one hydrocodone. Then it was I'll take two instead of one. And I started abusing my scripts and finding doctors that would give me more than what my pain doctor was giving me. And, um, yeah, that's the links I started going to to get those.
Speaker 2:you know that feeling wow, yeah, even so, even as your pain started to get better, you were still traveling down that route. Or was your pain still?
Speaker 1:my pain was not there anymore it was an excuse um the addiction. That's what I mean. It was full blown. At that point I could handle the pain. I can handle a lot of pain.
Speaker 2:That's what it was I mean, if you just had a baby that you can handle right and um.
Speaker 1:what's sad is the lies that I would tell the doctors, but then I feel like I don't know they're educated. Why didn't you just say something to me? Why didn't you call me out?
Speaker 2:Because so the healthcare industry is corrupt and always will be. And if they're selling, if they're putting in insurance claims, then there's profits right, they get a kickback.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, that's what's sad so they uh, now that's not.
Speaker 2:Let me read back, let me go back. That's not like every doctor, every right right.
Speaker 2:But um, and then they also get caught in the monotony of of their superiors saying why didn't you treat their pain so like? When I was a paramedic, they always wanted you to use a one to ten pain scale, right, and if it's a three they get fentanyl. So, um, I never did that. Never, because they could just say, oh, it's a three I had could just say, oh, it's a three I had. A lot of them would say it's a 10. While they're doing this, that was me.
Speaker 1:I would always say like a nine or a 10.
Speaker 2:While they're checking their emails, so I never went with that. I never went with that. It was always like facial expressions and their vitals.
Speaker 1:If anything, when I was in pain, it was because I was withdrawing, right. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. After experiencing addiction. You know the cold sweats, the body aches. That's what that was. That's what my body was freaking out, where's the medicine? Because they were slowly taking me off the fentanyl, the oxys, the hydrocodones, and mentally I was freaking out and physically my body started freaking out. So then I started going to the street to find what I needed.
Speaker 2:What was that?
Speaker 1:First, it was methadone because, well, going back to how I was saying, my nanny that's passed always battled with addiction. She went to the methadone clinic and I mean she's always went there and I've always known that about her. She's always she got take homes and she had that at her house and, um, I remember going there and I remember the point in methadone was to help from opiate use.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And that's what I was struggling with. So I was like, okay, if I can't get what I need, maybe this will help me get through the withdrawals at least, because that's the point in it. And I asked her to give me some and she did. It was like she knew what I was experiencing, like she could see the pain on my face. I was crying, I was hunched over like rocking, barely able to move, sweating, puking, all the nasty stuff. And those were withdrawals. So immediately she gave it to me 20 milligrams, I think it was, and I felt a little better. But then I stole more from her, 20 more milligrams, and it was just like a ripple effect. I ended up becoming a what do you call it there? The methadone. I started going to the methadone clinic. Never in my wildest dreams.
Speaker 2:Standing line outside.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was one of those people South A or whatever, I was one of those people. There you go, never in my wildest dreams, standing in line outside. Yeah, I was one of those people South A or whatever. I was one of those people Dang it Never in my life.
Speaker 2:Right, I thought I would get to that point. Right, you just got out of college for alcohol.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Addiction counseling.
Speaker 1:So then, obviously, around you're around, a bunch of addicts. You, you are who you hang out with oh yeah and um, I was like I could still get my hands on what I really want and I did, but then it turned into heroin, meth, all the nasty stuff, and I was using, you know, iv like it shooting up holy shit.
Speaker 1:I turned into a different person wow and, mind you, I was still with my daughter's dad. We were engaged, we had a house together. I was a stay athome mom and I do this because I was not focused on my daughter whenever 100% like I should have been. Um, obviously, brandon, seen that clearly, um, my mind was somewhere else and it showed, like just in where I was, how I acted, uh, the things that I chose to talk about.
Speaker 1:You know, just a very low vibration of a person wow, that's crazy yeah, yeah, yep, I'm trying to think that's when it just got really ugly, the choices I was making. I remember I totaled Brandon's truck one night. We were at some type of wedding celebration and I left to go get drugs. Um, and on my way to go get that I wrecked and I wasn't hurt or anything. But yeah, he had a lot of damage done to his truck because of me. The cop showed up. I barely remember that. He talked, he got me out of that really yeah and uh, drove me home.
Speaker 1:Um, then, just a couple days after, and I wasn't able to leave, he had my keys, everything, my wallet, my phone, and I guess I was there for like two days and I don't remember much of it, but I was supposed to go pick up my daughter. I am so grateful for my daughter's dad, brandon, because I wasn't there for Hudson, but she had him, and also he woke me up to my own shit eventually not at that moment, but I'm grateful that he was there in those times that I was completely left, you know, out of my mind. I was supposed to pick up my daughter and I never showed up and he was calling my family, like where's Jordan at? And they were like I don't know. They were probably so tired of my ship by then and, um, the cop showed up. I don't know how they found me, but they did.
Speaker 1:Um, the guy still had my phone. He was actually arrested that night and the girl another girl that was there and I don't know anything more about that, but they were arrested that night, which kind of, you know, makes me weary because I feel like that's they're gonna, they blame it on me. So if you're out there. I hope you can take some accountability for your own actions.
Speaker 1:I do not naming any names but, uh, I didn't get arrested or anything that night, thank God. But they had to carry me out of that room, that hotel room. I couldn't even move because that's how much heroin I was using. And then my family was like you need to go to rehab, like this is ridiculous. And the next morning, uh, I went to my sister's house because Brandon had enough. He's like you're done, not coming back here, you don't. You know which? I don't blame him. Um, I was at my sister's house and couldn't even get out of bed. She had to, like, force me in the bath and I remember just rocking back and forth because the withdrawals and I was needing more medicine in my head that's what it was, was medicine and, um, they were finding me a rehab that would take me, and they found one in Indy, which Brandon's mom helped find, and I went there that day and I was doing good. You know I participated in, you know, activities there, but my mind, I didn't go there on my own terms.
Speaker 2:And if you're going to do recovery, it's got to be, you got to want it.
Speaker 1:You can't. No one else can like.
Speaker 2:I mean, they could force you to go and like hold things over your head, but like at the end of the day, if you're not in it for yourself, you're not going to get clean right. Only forest is like jail, and then right, sometimes people don't even get clean in jail right.
Speaker 1:So I mean, I did what I had to do to get out of there and then I went back to live with my mom, um, but life was just still really weird, I don't know. I was still stuck on the accident and confused why my life? I just very low vibration, the poor me, the victim mentality, I'm never going to be anything in life right just like the eeyore, so disgusting.
Speaker 1:Oh so it just slowly. I was working at the cemetery for the town and I was mowing grass and it started with a few Xanax. Like while I was mowing I was like, oh, it's fine, it won't affect me any, like, just a Xanax. I used to be on fentanyl and heroin and all this, a Xanax isn't going to do anything to me. So it went from that to um drinking again.
Speaker 2:So this was after rehab.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I went from that to drinking again. Mind you, um, my daughter was coming to see me at my mom's. Okay, my focus still was not Hudson. My focus focus was still off, like you would think I would be. I would get out of there like okay, like have all these things.
Speaker 1:I need to do yes no, it was not because, like I said, I was in it. In it for the right reasons, obviously, um, but the that one, xanax, turned into, you know, back down that path, slowly but surely. And um, six months after I was sexually assaulted by my mom's um, I don't know what you would like to call him Uh, boyfriend fiance. They never got you know, I don't know what you would like to call him, boyfriend Fiance.
Speaker 2:Call him an asshole for doing that.
Speaker 1:He's my stepdad for many years, Since high school. I was in high school. She's still with him to this day. She blames it on that. I'm just. You know, I was high. She's the drug addict. Don't believe her. Whatever reality they live with to live their insane lives. But yeah, my daughter was sleeping next to me when this happened. My mom wasn't there and he crawled into my bed and tried you know, he was caressing me and all this and all I could think was to walk like my body literally locked up and I froze. If Hudson wasn't right there, I'd probably be in prison for murder. That's all I could really say. I don't like the fact that my daughter was laying right there, but um, I in a way I'm kind of grateful she was that's even.
Speaker 2:That just makes it even worse yes, yes was there any repercussion?
Speaker 1:well, okay, so he did that. Okay, my body locked up, there's no words. Okay, there was a movie playing, um, he was very drunk. I do remember that he reeked of alcohol and um, I guess maybe he realized okay, maybe she's not gonna let me do anything or she isn't gonna give me that attention. But he got up and walked out and I I remember laying there and I was like what in the actual fuck just happened? Like am I delusional? Right now he comes back again like cracks the door.
Speaker 1:And at that point I was. I was on the phone trying to call my mom and I just started screaming. I was like what? Because he started walking towards the bed again. I didn't know what else to do and I was like mom, you need to get here right now. He just tried touching me and I remember Hudson like slowly started to wake up, obviously because I was raising my voice and I was like get out of my room, because the room that me and Hudson was staying in was my childhood room. And, uh, he walked out and he I remember he just went in their bedroom and just fell asleep. And my mom got there within five minutes and was like what? What just happened and I was like he literally just sexually assaulted me and I remember she slept in my room with me that night with a baseball bat by her.
Speaker 2:Okay, um, you would have thought that never happened so she, but so she acted like she cared for a minute yes, she's still with him.
Speaker 1:To this day.
Speaker 2:Wow, she didn't give a shit.
Speaker 1:No, that's.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Episode 3.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's still, I mean, is around, but it's just, it's very weird. She lives two different lives. I live in truth, so if this hurts your feelings I don't really care. You know I live in truth, so, but, uh, anyways, that's not an excuse or anything, but that really triggered it to get like full blown, just raged into the drugs. Um, I guess to cope, that's how I wanted to cope with it, I didn't know how else to I wasn't being heard. I felt like I remember I called the cops. I already felt like a piece of shit, because already I just got out of rehab, like I'm living at my mom's I I have nothing to my name. You know what I'm saying. So I just started using again, but this time it was meth, which is absolutely disgusting. I don't even know who I used to be.
Speaker 2:That's crazy.
Speaker 1:It was Beth and heroin together. And just like a couple weeks after that happened I overdosed in my car and I guess they found me in the Walmart parking lot and I was charged with possession. That night they gave me what do you call that? Why can't I think of it?
Speaker 2:What about a charge?
Speaker 1:No, where they bring you back.
Speaker 2:Narcan, yeah, narcan, 4 milligrams or .2 milligrams IV.
Speaker 1:They had to use a ton of it.
Speaker 2:I guess Really.
Speaker 1:They got me back, so I survived. Something else. But this time it was different. This time I woke up out of a coma, Like what the actual fuck are you doing? Jordan Right.
Speaker 2:So that was your rock bottom.
Speaker 1:Yes, actual fuck, are you doing Jordan right? So it was your rock bottom. Yes, and that's. I had it all changed for me because I finally made that choice and, uh, everyone was done with me. Uh, my sisters, my sister's, my daughter's dad. I wasn't allowed to see my daughter anymore, like it was like everything that.
Speaker 2:I loved was gone. Everything, wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 1:So it was either. I had the choice.
Speaker 2:Either you can continue doing this and die?
Speaker 1:Yeah Right, I mean that's the only outcome or jail, prison, or you can take this. You have a degree. I remember specifically like I had a whole conversation in my head about like jordan, you graduated, call, like there's such a big purpose here, like you can do something with this and help change other people's lives, and I stuck with that and it was hard because I was such in a low-lack mindset that I didn't ever think that it would be possible for me to be right here right now where I am today. It's taken three and a half long years to be right here right now where I am today.
Speaker 1:It's taken three and a half long years to get right here, but I've came so fucking far from sleeping on a couch out of my sister's house to where I am right now and working with, you know, within the social work field and using that degree.
Speaker 2:Having your daughter back?
Speaker 1:Yes, and literally fighting to the core to get her back. But every move that Hudson's dad made I needed it was like he held up a mirror to me and was like, if this is how you're going to act, this is what you're going to get. You're not going to see your kid and she's the one thing I don't play about. I will literally do anything for her. I will walk through hell itself, which I did to get to her and crawled out of the pits of hell and broke chains off of me and generational curses and, um yeah, I felt my way back to her. He tried to take full custody and which I completely understand. I get that. I mean.
Speaker 1:I would do the same thing. Um, but I needed that. I needed something to wake my ass up. It wasn't even like the overdose, really itself that woke me up. It was the thought of Hudson not being able to see her, not having her. That's what hurt the most. It wasn't my accident, it wasn't any of that.
Speaker 2:You're about to lose your prize.
Speaker 1:My baby.
Speaker 2:The one good thing you had going.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's what my my focus wasn't on her that whole time, from from the accident to the overdose, my eyes were, my mind was so far left, just completely not where it should have have, where it should have been at all, which was on her, and that's sad to even say out loud, but like that's the god's honest truth that's crazy yeah, so uh so what?
Speaker 2:so did you? Did you um, put yourself back in rehab or how? After your overdose? How? What did you do to?
Speaker 1:god really he touched my heart at a spiritual awakening. Oh, it's such a beautiful thing. Oh, he's mighty. I love it so much. No, I didn't go back to rehab. Myself was my rehab. I learned myself inside and out. I hit my knees on the ground. I was living with my sister sleeping on her couch. I had nothing, barely even any clothes, no shoes. And that's when I finally, for the first time in my life, really felt the Holy Spirit talk to me and that's when I said I had those conversations of there's something you can do with this. That was the Holy Spirit talking to me. You have such a bigger purpose in this life and I used to just think so low of myself and I had restrictions in my head of you'll always just be this girl, that's. That was in the accident and. But I used to like thrive off that in a way I don't know how to explain that it was like a. It kept me in that box where I wanted to be, but I don't think that way anymore.
Speaker 2:It was like your identity yes, and.
Speaker 1:But I had this spiritual awakening and, um, I don't know you could call it some type of activation, but, like ever since then, I have wanted to get to my highest, most best self. Um, I don't know how to explain that. It's something much bigger than we are.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Reminding me that I still have the power in me to get back up on my feet Like wake up, let's get it together. Let's get a house for your kid, let's get a vehicle.
Speaker 2:Life's not over yet.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It just began.
Speaker 1:Right and yeah, you lost a lot of things, you went through a lot of bad things, but like it doesn't have to be that way, Like focus on the good, let's make some positive here and that's what that's. What was the hardest thing to do was change my mindset, because I was always, like I said, angry, negative, mean, and I had the way I think about. It is like I had to rewire my brain and into thinking positive, waking up positive mindset. Um, routine for myself, pushing myself to have a routine, even though it was like uncomfortable at first, but like then it becomes natural. Um, I don't, I don't really, just I don't know how to explain it.
Speaker 2:I don't know how to explain it. Well, it's larger than ourselves. There is no one word you can really put on it.
Speaker 1:And I just knew that I was meant for more. But I never thought that way before until I had that spiritual awakening. And I know that's exactly what it was, because it's unexplainable. And that's exactly what it was, because it's unexplainable and that's the other than a drug. That's the most intense feeling that I've ever felt in my life. When that feeling came over me, when I hit my knees for that first time, and that rush of love and assurance and like it's okay, I'm right here, like I know you feel alone right now, you have nobody right now. I'm right here Like I know you feel alone right now, you have nobody right now, but I'm right here, like I was alone. But I didn't feel alone and God told me these things, like no, you're not gonna lose custody of your daughter. And he like told me specifically what moves to make. And I listened and I obeyed and I made those moves and I even specifically remember telling my daughter's
